


Everyone's a critic (about the Lion's love life)

by purplekitte



Category: Horus Heresy - Various Authors, Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Communication Failure, Dubcon Cuddling, It's the Imperium Secundus crew, M/M, Soap Opera, Touch Aversion, in favor of domestic comedy, without any mention of the Imperium Secundus plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 21:44:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17129282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplekitte/pseuds/purplekitte
Summary: ‘You really need to tell Roboute that you don’t like cuddling.’





	Everyone's a critic (about the Lion's love life)

Guilliman was a hugger. He seemed to receive some psychological benefit from this action and assume other people did too. That was a common response, or at least a common assumption. Russ was a hugger, Vulkan, even Sanguinius seemed unbothered by accepting Guilliman’s effusiveness as long as he minded the wings.

The Lion was mystified. He was willing to accept the possibility that statistically speaking there was more likely something wrong with him than with the rest of the world.

‘Lion, am I doing something wrong? You need to tell me. You seem to freeze up.’

‘I am fine. You’re bothering me, but I would tell you if I insisted you stop, Roboute.’

Guilliman sighed, annoying the Lion about the quality of his lie. _I can’t just say ‘I’m defective,’ Roboute._ It was actually further annoying that Guilliman went to all this trouble to act like a good person and ask his permission for things when saying ‘no’ outright wasn’t a viable option.

He made an effort to reach out and put an arm over Guilliman’s shoulder. Guilliman hugged back, seeming to accept this. The Lion waited for some sort of feedback. He could observe that Guilliman seemed to enjoy this, but on his end… nothing. Not even dislike so much as resounding silence. It was like trying to piece together the plot of a holodrama without sound while everyone around you discussed the nuisance of the soundtrack. Guilliman’s arms around him had the warmth and give of flesh, but though the texture was different that did not make them any more interesting than leaning against a chair, for instance.

He counted _One, two, three, four…_ How long until it was socially permitted to pull away? Wasn’t Roboute bored? Was he simply better at distracting himself since he seemed to be doing a hundred things at once all the time, or did this activity genuinely keep his interest?

Why were people so aggravating?

*

‘You really need to tell Roboute that you don’t like cuddling.’

‘There is nothing wrong with cuddling. It is a perfectly normal, enjoyable activity.’

Sanguinius gave him a look. ‘Lion, I _know_ you hate hugs. Roboute suspects and he’s not that observant about a lot of things, especially when you keep lying to him.’

‘I’m not lying. If I intended to hit him to make him stop, I would.’

‘Uh huh.’

‘I don’t want to give him the wrong impression. I would rather not he think I hate him.’

‘Everyone already thinks you hate them.’

The Lion hrmped. ‘He’ll make that kicked puppy look.’

‘I can get my veterinarian to recommend him a book about why your cat scorning you when it’s bored of being pet doesn’t mean it hates you.’

‘Why am I talking to you?’

*

‘You really need to tell Roboute to stop hanging all over you like an overly friendly octopus.’

‘Wait, why are _you_ giving me relationship advice?’

‘I’m really bored. Your relationship incompetence is the best soap opera I have.’

‘Then why would your advice be good?’

Curze looked like he was seriously considering. ‘Get me a holo-screen and set it to Illyrian CBS. I’ve fallen behind on _The Young and the Restless_.’

‘I bet I could convince Guilliman hugs are very therapeutic and he should bother you with them.’

‘Hm. Is he at least good in bed?’

‘Yes, when we are actively having sex,’ said the Lion, not because he was well-known for being candid so much as without giving any sign he was aware that question would usually not be considered socially appropriate.

‘He won’t be offended if you get bored and read in bed instead of paying attention to him. I mean, he’s him and he’s sleeping with you.’

‘Don’t you hate Roboute?’

‘He is so much wholesome goodness it rots my teeth. Even making him miserable isn’t fun because he just cries, looking like he’s posing for some noble, overdone painting.’

‘You’re not wrong. About that. You’re wrong about a lot of things.’

*

‘Just tell him you need space.’

‘Planets worth of space?’

‘Yes,’ said Sanguinius slowly and patiently, ‘that’s what “I liked our long-distance thing but living together isn’t working out for me” generally means.’

The Lion looked shifty, as he generally did. ‘I don’t want to break up with him. I just don’t need everything I do to be turned into a group activity.’

‘Can you be trusted unsupervised?’

‘I’ve leaving a dead bird in your bed.’

*

‘Marcie’s baby is clearly not Travis’. It’s the genestealer spawn that Skip thought he drowned back in the episode where Sandra was trying to swap her baby with Lila’s.’

‘Or it could be the baby from the episode where Teresa got abducted by hrud.’

‘No, because if it’s the genestealer plotline, then Heather will figure it out when her investigation into Jaime’s murder leads her to do a paternity test on Marcie’s kids without telling her. That will wrap up all those plotlines much more neatly. Teresa’s baby was adopted, though that other woman was obviously going to turn out to be her ex-wife Ginger’s sister.’

‘Which of us is psychic?’ Curze asked.

‘You don’t have to be psychic, you just have to have watched this show for more than five minutes.’

‘I feel so underappreciated.’

The Lion considered. ‘Well, I blame you for space vampires being considered a valid plot point now.’

‘I’m not sure I can claim credit for how weird the Macraggian propaganda machine is, but it will do.’

*

‘Hello.’ Guilliman immediately put his writing down and stood up as the Lion opened the door to his chambers. He pulled him into his arms and planted a kiss on his lips, as was his habit.

The Lion awkwardly patted his shoulder back, waiting an appropriate amount of time for Guilliman’s sake before stepping away. There were a lot of things the Lion needed to say to him, which he might or might not ever do. ‘It’s good to see you,’ he said, which was true.


End file.
